i think my mom watched the whole time
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
