I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
