Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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