PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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