Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
