How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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