I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
