I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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