but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
