Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
