My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
