you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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