I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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