yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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