I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
farters have to be the big spoon...
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Come on in and take your pants off
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