Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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