when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
