Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
