neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
