I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
