Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
