Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
