if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
