I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
