dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
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