I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
