my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
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