My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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