masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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