Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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