How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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