Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
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