we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
