Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
