My sheets look like a crime scene.
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
