does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
