You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
