i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Randomize
