A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
