I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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