while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
So here I am, sexting at work.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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