mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Randomize
