he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
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