Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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