No stitches, just platelets and will power
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Randomize
