Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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