pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
