watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
