Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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