Your mouth is God's brothel.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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