Porn is love you can see.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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